Hold Tight To Your Umbrella

Hold Tight To Your Umbrella

This little guy is 12 weeks old today. While this should be a celebrated milestone, my heart is heavy, my nerves are frazzled and on edge, and the anxiety running through me is intense. This was the last week we had Toby with us in our arms. Just a normal week, in our minds. Not knowing the plans God had for Toby and our family. Not knowing the events that would forever change our lives in 5 short days. As...

My Battle With The Beast

My Battle With The Beast

August holds my fear. It holds my happiness and feeling of wholeness. August is where ‘who I was’ lives and ‘who I became’ appeared. August holds my sons last breath. It holds my whole heart. August holds captive my sons future and every motherly wish I could ever have for him. As I stand on the doorstep of another anniversary, I have started to wander into the past, hoping to pull with me each and every moment, no matter how...

Third Star To The Right

Third Star To The Right

Today marks another month without our son. It marks more milestones and brings with it more triggers - second spring break trip; first trip with the kids to DC; laughing with cousins and pictures where Toby’s always missing. Luke reminded us multiple times today that you are here with us and there have been little signs while we’ve been away that tell us you’re never far away. I sat on the train on our ride back today, listening to Luke...

Learning to Live

Learning to Live

Life is hard. Grief is harder. It gets worse before it gets better. This makes everyday challenges & situations sharper and hard to not take directly to heart. I look around the world some days and then I look at Luke and think “Am I doing this right?” Honestly, some days I’m not sure. My heart has been very heavy lately. Some days I feel like I’ve been pulled back into the first few weeks without Toby. It’s scary. It’s...

Unexpected Triggers

Unexpected Triggers

For my latest article for Still Standing Magazine, I wrote about one of the unexpected grief triggers that has continually paralyzed me throughout these first 12 months of grief.  You can read the article here:  An Unexpected Trigger

Month 11: Grief has a mind of its own

Month 11: Grief has a mind of its own

Grief has a mind of its own. It has a way of rearing its head at a time that catches you with your guard down. It leaves you alone with your thoughts and deeply sad. Grief over these last four weeks has been quite harsh. Moments which have remained frozen or numb in my mind are starting to resurface and rather than the very familiar sting that comes daily with memories, they hit hard, take away my breath, and bring...

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

I can feel the memories coming before they are even in my mind. My heart hurts. My throat gets tight. My eyes begin to well. I know it's going to hurt like hell, but I embrace it, because it's embracing you. It's an embrace that I don't want to let go of. With each month that passes, there is new pain, different pain. Things that were not triggers before, they rip the wound wide open now. Luke talks about you...

The Farley-Kluger Initiative – Parental Bereavement Leave

The Farley-Kluger Initiative – Parental Bereavement Leave

www.farleykluger.com Over the last 10 months I have come across other grieving parent's stories, whether at in-person meetings, from acquaintances that know someone who has lost a child, and through online forums and blogs supporting the bereaved community. There have been parents who've had to return to work three days after their child has died - THREE. Three. Some were given 7 days and for the employer, that seemed gracious. Other parents who weren't mentally ready have been given an...

Nine Months

Nine Months

My Sweet Toby, We miss you so very much. I have spent this past week fighting the flashes of time. Fighting the pain that each memory brings. I have tried to prepare myself for this very week. But, as with the last nine months, there is no way to shield my heart from the pain that comes with the love we have for you, our son. We continue to have people tell us that you are in the best place....

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

"A mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love she holds in her heart."  Today, May 7, is International Bereaved Mother's Day around the world. A day to recognize the mothers who have lost a child or children. A day to open our eyes, ears, and hearts to mothers with empty arms and a broken heart, that could be sitting right next to you.  Please take a moment to read my letter to...

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Love & Prayers,
Katie & Dan

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