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Toby's Fourth Birthday Celebration

Looking for the Light

Looking for the Light

I’ve looked at this picture 100xs since Wednesday morning. I was up early and crying before I even lifted my head off my pillow. I miss Toby. I want to hold my son. I want to say “You’re four!” And see him smile or laugh at me. I want to hear him laugh. I want to hug him and not let go. May 27, 2016 Wednesday I sat on the couch and waited for the sun. I thought it would...

May 2, 2020

May 2, 2020

There are days in our lives that we dream about. Birthday’s Graduation’s Wedding’s Anniversary’s The birth of a child Memorial services Family Gatherings We all have them and prepare for them in our own way. Today was one of those days for us. I have struggled with emotions all week. Today has been special for 14 months. A day when our amazing family and friends come together to help us celebrate Toby. We had people coming in from across the...

Looking Back While Stepping Forward

Looking Back While Stepping Forward

Thank you to everyone who supported us, shared Toby’s story, donated to support a family, referred families (near and far) needing a monitor, encouraged us, and continue to believe in our mission to grow in 2020. 2019 was pretty amazing and we were continually reminded of Toby’s work from Heaven and presence in our lives daily. Although the heartache from his absence and the constant surge of grief is a piece of our lives that will never subside. No matter...

When You Have A Child In Heaven

When You Have A Child In Heaven

When you have a child in Heaven you spend the night before Easter doing activities for him and talking all about him with his siblings. ♥️ Easter has by far been the most gentle holiday for my heart since Toby died. The first Easter without him Lucas had the flu and I sat on the floor with him most of the night. I watched the sun come up through the window that his tree is directly in front of and...

Hold Tight To Your Umbrella

Hold Tight To Your Umbrella

This little guy is 12 weeks old today. While this should be a celebrated milestone, my heart is heavy, my nerves are frazzled and on edge, and the anxiety running through me is intense. This was the last week we had Toby with us in our arms. Just a normal week, in our minds. Not knowing the plans God had for Toby and our family. Not knowing the events that would forever change our lives in 5 short days. As...

The memories. The grief. OUR journey.

The memories. The grief. OUR journey.

Today was a hard day. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. There is hope, yes, but the moments that need to happen before a Rainbow arrives are so challenging. I’ve talked before about how Toby’s room has remained the same since the day he died. Today, much of that changed. This is our choice. This is part of our promise to Toby, and to ourselves. To continue to move forward, but in a way that carries Toby with us, as...

My Battle With The Beast

My Battle With The Beast

August holds my fear. It holds my happiness and feeling of wholeness. August is where ‘who I was’ lives and ‘who I became’ appeared. August holds my sons last breath. It holds my whole heart. August holds captive my sons future and every motherly wish I could ever have for him. As I stand on the doorstep of another anniversary, I have started to wander into the past, hoping to pull with me each and every moment, no matter how...

Learning to Live

Learning to Live

Life is hard. Grief is harder. It gets worse before it gets better. This makes everyday challenges & situations sharper and hard to not take directly to heart. I look around the world some days and then I look at Luke and think “Am I doing this right?” Honestly, some days I’m not sure. My heart has been very heavy lately. Some days I feel like I’ve been pulled back into the first few weeks without Toby. It’s scary. It’s...

God’s Timing

God’s Timing

I lay in bed last night listening to the rain on the windows of the house. The wind blew so fiercely it felt as though it was something swiping through the air, grabbing, lifting whatever it could – then it was gone. I listened to it for a few moments. It happened two, three, times. It felt like I was having a déjà vu moment. I closed my eyes tightly trying to recenter my thoughts, away from the weather outside,...

2017 Stuff-a-Truck – Success!

2017 Stuff-a-Truck – Success!

It has taken us a few days to come down from the incredible high that we were on from each and every person that helped make our 2017 Stuff-a-Truck event a HUGH success! The temperatures weren't exactly on our side when we woke up on Sunday, but we piled on the layers and when Dave & Rachel pulled up in front of our house the adrenaline kicked in and that was all we needed. I remember walking around the side...