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Learning to Live

Learning to Live

Life is hard. Grief is harder. It gets worse before it gets better. This makes everyday challenges & situations sharper and hard to not take directly to heart. I look around the world some days and then I look at Luke and think “Am I doing this right?” Honestly, some days I’m not sure. My heart has been very heavy lately. Some days I feel like I’ve been pulled back into the first few weeks without Toby. It’s scary. It’s...

God’s Timing

God’s Timing

I lay in bed last night listening to the rain on the windows of the house. The wind blew so fiercely it felt as though it was something swiping through the air, grabbing, lifting whatever it could – then it was gone. I listened to it for a few moments. It happened two, three, times. It felt like I was having a déjà vu moment. I closed my eyes tightly trying to recenter my thoughts, away from the weather outside,...

2017 Stuff-a-Truck – Success!

2017 Stuff-a-Truck – Success!

It has taken us a few days to come down from the incredible high that we were on from each and every person that helped make our 2017 Stuff-a-Truck event a HUGH success! The temperatures weren't exactly on our side when we woke up on Sunday, but we piled on the layers and when Dave & Rachel pulled up in front of our house the adrenaline kicked in and that was all we needed. I remember walking around the side...

My Faith in God

My Faith in God

This has been a difficult week for our family. Grief is hard. It's exhausting. It comes from nowhere. No warning. And it stays, for as long as it likes. You can have a good moment and the next you are crying. That happens with me a lot. Your body can ache from the physical pain of grief, not just pain from your heart. We pray for strength. We pray for understanding. We pray that Toby sees every tear that we...

Easter Morning in Heaven 

Easter Morning in Heaven 

Last Sunday as we sat in church for Palm Sunday mass, I was overcome with emotion thinking of what Heaven would be like for Easter and what beautiful sites Toby would see this week.  Can you imagine, seeing Jesus' face on Easter morning? I cannot, but the thought of my beautiful son having the honor to be in His presence this morning, it takes my breath away.  We were gifted a tree in rememberence of Toby in the fall and...

Little Pieces of Light & Peace

Little Pieces of Light & Peace

As Lent began, I searched for my focus for the next 40 days. I was looking for something that I could “do” that would help me in my grief, but also something that would help provide little pieces of light and peace. When we moved into our house last year there were two cardinals that would fly into the tree in front of our window in the family room. Every time we saw them we’d always hurry to the window...

Not a Cloud in the Sky

Not a Cloud in the Sky

There are some days I can stop here and have a million things to tell you and there are others when all I can do is cry. This grieving process is such a roller coaster ride.  I went to get my haircut today and the lady asked me "what happened to your hair? It looks like it's regrowing? Were you sick?" I frowned in the mirror. Yes, I lost a lot of it postpartum and then my son died, and...

All the Love

All the Love

To the new mom who is running on two hours of sleep; no shower in a few days; same clothes you slept in from the day before; three week old baby asleep on your shoulder and the living room in front of you a mess from toys your two-year old has been playing with – I’m praying for you. To the new foster mom in line at the store. Your cart not only filled high with food, clothes, winter jackets,...

A New Endeavor

A New Endeavor

I have spend the last few weeks very focused in prayer. That was one of my small goals for the year. It has been normal in these times to also talk to Toby. Tell him what is on my heart and ask for guidance or some sort of sign as to whether or not I should even be carrying whatever it is that is heavy on my heart and mind. An opportunity presented itself at the beginning of January as...

Our 2017 Jar of Joy

Our 2017 Jar of Joy

We decided we needed to do something to brighten our days, since we've been in a bit of a funk since the New Year began. We have created a "Joy Jar" for our house. Some people say "happiness" or "blessings" but since we lost a huge part of our hearts and family, nearly 5 months ago, that didn't seem to fit. Our goal is to write down 1 thing a week that has brought us joy - a moment, an...