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Today Is The Trigger

Today Is The Trigger

Most people would look at this picture and laugh. The lady at the grocery store probably looked at me, saw parents with two small boys and a grocery cart full of food and just chalked it up to motherhood. It’s not that. I woke every hour last night and kept checking the clock. Luke came into the bedroom this morning and said “when are you getting up? It’s afternoon already!” I shot up in bed, petrified that it actually was....

Our Final Days – Four Years Later

Our Final Days – Four Years Later

This is the last picture we have as a family of four. I was forcefully reminded as I started my morning commute today that this is the week I hate. The recurring flashbacks of those final days for our family, of what we thought was a normal week. Crazy mornings trying to get Toby fed, Luke dressed, ready and out the door for work and school. Schedules coordinated for pick-up and drop off of two boys. School buses making each...

Keep Me In The Moment

Keep Me In The Moment

I am having a hard week. Each morning. Waking up. Getting ready for the day. It is my season of grief, which is heaviest because these are the days, when Toby was here with us, four years ago. [caption id="attachment_2398" align="aligncenter" width="768"] Toby & Mommy - August 2016[/caption] I continue to think about what it would be like to have him here, with all of us. Three little sets of feet running around. A need for three swimsuits, instead of...

Looking for the Light

Looking for the Light

I’ve looked at this picture 100xs since Wednesday morning. I was up early and crying before I even lifted my head off my pillow. I miss Toby. I want to hold my son. I want to say “You’re four!” And see him smile or laugh at me. I want to hear him laugh. I want to hug him and not let go. May 27, 2016 Wednesday I sat on the couch and waited for the sun. I thought it would...

Memories, Emotions, and Signs from Heaven

Memories, Emotions, and Signs from Heaven

These last few days have been hard. I thought I was emotionally ready for the New Year, but my gosh, was I fooling myself. It’s been a series of small things that stir my emotions. Unpacking gifts for the boys; putting new clothes away for a 4year old and an infant, knowing there’s years of clothes in between that should be here, but they’re not. Birthdays for our nieces and friends babies. Watching Zeke grow by the week and seeing...

A Reason For The Season

A Reason For The Season

Today we pulled out all our Christmas decorations. Luke went with me and we picked out a new tree. Yes, we are decorating our home for the holiday season. To some it may seem to early. To others they may say "You're crazy" or "You're missing Thanksgiving." Actually, no, we're not. We will celebrate Thanksgiving next week. God willing our delivery goes well on Monday, we should be home Wednesday and we, as a family of five, will gather around...

The Path of Transition

The Path of Transition

I've spent the last week swimming in baby items. Most of which were Toby's. The switch over of the nursery has hit me in waves. I feel joy & love in my heart in places that have been so broken and painful for 25 months, it scares me. Then the pain begins and the tears fall while every sense is engaged by grief - my eyes see flashbacks to certain moments when Toby is right with me; I can smell...

To The Parents Preparing For School to Begin – A Note From A Grieving Family

To The Parents Preparing For School to Begin – A Note From A Grieving Family

Lucas will start Pre-K this fall. With his first school application, we had to write a letter about our family. I was absolutely not ready for this. I knew we'd have to do it one day and know this is only the start of these conversations with teachers, administration, coaches, and families that we will meet along the way. But the triggers it brought were another layer of grief we were not prepared for. The administration was very welcoming and...

PSA: Spend the Money. Buy the Owlet.

PSA: Spend the Money. Buy the Owlet.

Over the past week, I have been asked multiple times about the Owlet Baby Monitors. Are they worth it? Should I spend the money? I’m on the fence about this monitor, but… What is unspoken is the BUT in each of these instances. But, I don’t want to have to worry about my infant while they are sleeping. But, I don’t want to have to continually check if they are breathing. But, I don’t want to have additional anxiety overnight...

One More Moment

One More Moment

It's the 24th again. Another milestone. But, not one where we can tell the world your new favorite book or food. It's another month of you being away from us. It is also the month which starts the season that coincides with our time with you on Earth. Two years ago you were still safe in my belly. I was finishing my last days of work and my heart was full of excitement as I couldn't wait to meet you....