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Learning to Live

Learning to Live

Life is hard. Grief is harder. It gets worse before it gets better. This makes everyday challenges & situations sharper and hard to not take directly to heart. I look around the world some days and then I look at Luke and think “Am I doing this right?” Honestly, some days I’m not sure. My heart has been very heavy lately. Some days I feel like I’ve been pulled back into the first few weeks without Toby. It’s scary. It’s...

God’s Timing

God’s Timing

I lay in bed last night listening to the rain on the windows of the house. The wind blew so fiercely it felt as though it was something swiping through the air, grabbing, lifting whatever it could – then it was gone. I listened to it for a few moments. It happened two, three, times. It felt like I was having a déjà vu moment. I closed my eyes tightly trying to recenter my thoughts, away from the weather outside,...

Finding Our Footing in 2018

Finding Our Footing in 2018

As I sit in our home on the last day of 2017, my heart is fragile. This holiday season has been hard. The reality of Toby being gone, forever, was ever present over the past few weeks. Where many experienced cheer and love, we felt abandonment and sadness. It is hard to believe 2017 is nearly over. A full year without our son. No hugs or kisses. No first steps. No presents for Toby under the tree. As we stood...

18 Month Milestone

18 Month Milestone

To our sweet boy, who would be 18 months old today: my mind lately is continually trying to visualize what you would look like today? I look at Lucas from that age and wonder, ‘would your hair be as straight? Or as blonde?’ I doubt it. I think you’d look very much like Daddy with darker hair and eyes. Sleeping is becoming hard again. I feel like it’s my body trying to adjust to a routine that we should be...

My Boys Hero

My Boys Hero

I am sharing this today as a tribute to my boys hero. He loves them unconditionally. He is the best role model and the best teacher. Luke is his shadow and if you’d ask him, “Daddy can do everything better” ???? but I’m ok with it. Toby was Dans twin, right down to the hair on his head. He loved to be held by daddy and he laughed and smiled so much in his arms. Often times, I think Dads get sidelined...

My Faith in God

My Faith in God

This has been a difficult week for our family. Grief is hard. It's exhausting. It comes from nowhere. No warning. And it stays, for as long as it likes. You can have a good moment and the next you are crying. That happens with me a lot. Your body can ache from the physical pain of grief, not just pain from your heart. We pray for strength. We pray for understanding. We pray that Toby sees every tear that we...

To My Firstborn – On Your Third Birthday

To My Firstborn – On Your Third Birthday

To our handsome Lucas:  As you wake up on your third birthday, I want you to know a few things... 1. I really cannot believe you are THREE! Where have these 3 years gone? I look at you every day and I am so very proud of you. You are smart, athletic, thoughtful, strong, kind, and so loving. You go through each day determined to learn something new or become better at something you have been working at. You have...

The Opportunity to Speak

The Opportunity to Speak

We are overwhelmed with emotion from the last 24 hrs. When we started rallying the troops, nearly seven weeks ago, we had no idea the imprint we could make. This petition is out there and making strides because of the initial efforts of Barry Kluger and Kelly Farley, and their children who died. We are standing behind this petition and making an effort to try and push for local, state, and national representatives to listen to WHY this is important....

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

I can feel the memories coming before they are even in my mind. My heart hurts. My throat gets tight. My eyes begin to well. I know it's going to hurt like hell, but I embrace it, because it's embracing you. It's an embrace that I don't want to let go of. With each month that passes, there is new pain, different pain. Things that were not triggers before, they rip the wound wide open now. Luke talks about you...

2017 Innovative Educator Award

2017 Innovative Educator Award

With Father’s Day this past weekend I was thinking about what I wanted to write about my amazing husband and even more amazing father to our boys. Last Tuesday, Dan received the Michel J. Farrell Chair in Honor of Thomas N. Southard's Innovative Educator Award by Shady Side Academy and my excitement and pride for him were the exact words I was looking for to describe the incredible man he is. For those that have the privilege of knowing Dan, or...