This little guy is 12 weeks old today. While this should be a celebrated milestone, my heart is heavy, my nerves are frazzled and on edge, and the anxiety running through me is intense.
This was the last week we had Toby with us in our arms. Just a normal week, in our minds. Not knowing the plans God had for Toby and our family. Not knowing the events that would forever change our lives in 5 short days. As I sit here typing this, I cry because of the unknown, and I watch Zeke playing and I repeatedly ask God to keep Zeke & Luke safe. I cannot bear another tragedy.
As much as I would like to tell myself “don’t worry,” I can’t. The words aren’t even in my Momma Vocabulary anymore.
Two weeks ago we scheduled Zeke’s baptism. Not bearing in mind the date or the timing, which is completely unlike me. Sunday is February 17. It is 12 weeks and 6 days since Zeke was born. And one day more than we had Toby here on earth. Oddly enough it is also the anniversary of my grandmothers passing two years ago. I don’t know what all this means, if it means anything at all, but my mind has been continually searching for a sign with all of this. I have not found one yet that I’ve connected with or felt joy from.
Please keep Dan and I in your prayers this week. I know we will make it through. It’s the “how” that I am uncertain of. I am sure I’ll spend a lot of time crying and begging God to help me.
If you saw the Grammy’s last night maybe you caught a glimpse of the beautiful song by Kacey Musgraves, Rainbow? I heard this on the radio the other day for the first time and cried. I’ve been replaying it the last day every time I reach a point where I need to let go. Watch it, or listen, if you haven’t.
This week, I will be holding tight to my umbrella and I’ll continue to search for joy, and a sign, while I hold Zeke tightly in my arms.