Looking for the Light

I’ve looked at this picture 100xs since Wednesday morning.

I was up early and crying before I even lifted my head off my pillow.

I miss Toby. I want to hold my son. I want to say “You’re four!” And see him smile or laugh at me. I want to hear him laugh. I want to hug him and not let go.

May 27, 2016

Wednesday I sat on the couch and waited for the sun. I thought it would help me to see the sunrise, like I had been seeing over the past month, and give me a sign that Toby was here, with us.

But, there was no sunrise.

It was cloudy and grey at our house. The sky lightened, but no beautiful rays that I was yearning for. It added to my heavy heart.

I stood at the kitchen sink staring out the window and cried. Like hard cried. Can’t catch your breath or get the words out cried. I told God how angry I was and that I missed Toby so badly. I am angry because we were robbed of every moment with our son.

Toby was robbed of every childhood moment with a family that loves him beyond comparison.

My grief was like a huge wave and I just couldn’t swim anymore.

I grabbed my phone and when I opened it, this is what I saw.

📷: Dave DiCello/ 5-27-20

This photo was taken by the amazingly talented Dave DiCello Wednesday morning.

This was the sunrise over the City of Pittsburgh. 🧡

May 27, 2020.

Toby’s fourth birthday.

I cried many more times Wednesday, with each text, picture, and post received, and memory of Toby’s first days on earth that we looked at and talked about.

And every time I started to fall deeper into my grief, I opened my phone and looked at this picture.

A few months after Toby died I was gifted a drawing of Pittsburgh. When I opened it my immediate thought was “this is Toby’s view of our City, from Heaven.” The angle was very similar to this one, but it was a black and white image.

When I saw this Wednesday morning and the number of times I looked at it throughout the day, I felt overwhelmed with this and I felt I should share what has been on my heart:

“The message you are searching for may not be exactly where you are looking, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Keep looking. Keep searching. Do not let your hope go dark. There are so many signs around you if you keep searching. You may even find them right around the corner. Follow the light.”

It gave me light at the start of a dark day. It gave me hope that Toby was nearby and could feel our love.

My heart still misses him and breaks because of his absence. But, that will never change.

“As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” 💙

I love you, Toby.





The picture included in this post is one of the amazing artist, Dave DiCello. The link above references the picture in this post, from May 27, 2020, as well as his entire portfolio and pieces that are available for purchase. Please follow him on social media and also visit this site to see the many faces of our awesome city, Pittsburgh.

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