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Learning to Live

Learning to Live

Life is hard. Grief is harder. It gets worse before it gets better. This makes everyday challenges & situations sharper and hard to not take directly to heart. I look around the world some days and then I look at Luke and think “Am I doing this right?” Honestly, some days I’m not sure. My heart has been very heavy lately. Some days I feel like I’ve been pulled back into the first few weeks without Toby. It’s scary. It’s...

God’s Timing

God’s Timing

I lay in bed last night listening to the rain on the windows of the house. The wind blew so fiercely it felt as though it was something swiping through the air, grabbing, lifting whatever it could – then it was gone. I listened to it for a few moments. It happened two, three, times. It felt like I was having a déjà vu moment. I closed my eyes tightly trying to recenter my thoughts, away from the weather outside,...

18 Month Milestone

18 Month Milestone

To our sweet boy, who would be 18 months old today: my mind lately is continually trying to visualize what you would look like today? I look at Lucas from that age and wonder, ‘would your hair be as straight? Or as blonde?’ I doubt it. I think you’d look very much like Daddy with darker hair and eyes. Sleeping is becoming hard again. I feel like it’s my body trying to adjust to a routine that we should be...

My Faith in God

My Faith in God

This has been a difficult week for our family. Grief is hard. It's exhausting. It comes from nowhere. No warning. And it stays, for as long as it likes. You can have a good moment and the next you are crying. That happens with me a lot. Your body can ache from the physical pain of grief, not just pain from your heart. We pray for strength. We pray for understanding. We pray that Toby sees every tear that we...

Unexpected Triggers

Unexpected Triggers

For my latest article for Still Standing Magazine, I wrote about one of the unexpected grief triggers that has continually paralyzed me throughout these first 12 months of grief.  You can read the article here:  An Unexpected Trigger

Month 11: Grief has a mind of its own

Month 11: Grief has a mind of its own

Grief has a mind of its own. It has a way of rearing its head at a time that catches you with your guard down. It leaves you alone with your thoughts and deeply sad. Grief over these last four weeks has been quite harsh. Moments which have remained frozen or numb in my mind are starting to resurface and rather than the very familiar sting that comes daily with memories, they hit hard, take away my breath, and bring...

The Opportunity to Speak

The Opportunity to Speak

We are overwhelmed with emotion from the last 24 hrs. When we started rallying the troops, nearly seven weeks ago, we had no idea the imprint we could make. This petition is out there and making strides because of the initial efforts of Barry Kluger and Kelly Farley, and their children who died. We are standing behind this petition and making an effort to try and push for local, state, and national representatives to listen to WHY this is important....

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

Month Ten – A Mother of Two 

I can feel the memories coming before they are even in my mind. My heart hurts. My throat gets tight. My eyes begin to well. I know it's going to hurt like hell, but I embrace it, because it's embracing you. It's an embrace that I don't want to let go of. With each month that passes, there is new pain, different pain. Things that were not triggers before, they rip the wound wide open now. Luke talks about you...

The Farley-Kluger Initiative – Parental Bereavement Leave

The Farley-Kluger Initiative – Parental Bereavement Leave

www.farleykluger.com Over the last 10 months I have come across other grieving parent's stories, whether at in-person meetings, from acquaintances that know someone who has lost a child, and through online forums and blogs supporting the bereaved community. There have been parents who've had to return to work three days after their child has died - THREE. Three. Some were given 7 days and for the employer, that seemed gracious. Other parents who weren't mentally ready have been given an...

Nine Months

Nine Months

My Sweet Toby, We miss you so very much. I have spent this past week fighting the flashes of time. Fighting the pain that each memory brings. I have tried to prepare myself for this very week. But, as with the last nine months, there is no way to shield my heart from the pain that comes with the love we have for you, our son. We continue to have people tell us that you are in the best place....