The numbers in my head
I was never much of a numbers person. Milestones have always been for the happiest of things. It is crazy the way your world changes in the face of a traumatic loss.
Five months. 154 days. 3679.5 hrs since I kissed your head and went to work. 149 days since we buried you. Five months and all that it carries. 164 days since we baptized you and asked God to bless and care for you as you continued to grow. Crazy that I know that? No. It’s how my mind works now.
You will be eight months old Friday. With every month that passes, I miss you more. I don’t know how that is humanly possible, but that is how I feel. This time, each month, makes me feel anxious, helpless and so incredibly sad.
I find myself searching for you more. For the first time since September I opened your dresser drawer to get Tylenol for Luke. The second and third drawer are filled with short sleeve clothes and onesies from the summer and for early fall. The site of them made me so nauseous. The smell and feel of those small clothes that you didn’t even fit into yet, I picked them up hoping to feel you. But it’s just empty. Your towel from the bath I gave you on Tuesday night still hangs on the back of your door. I asked my guardian angel to visit you and hold you for a while.
Do you remember everything we did this summer? What were your favorite memories? You loved the pool. The sound from the waterfall soothed you and you were so happy to just lay there on the blanket with Dad, Luke and me. We loved watching you laugh and kick your legs with excitement. Your beautiful smile was contagious and Luke was so excited when he saw you laugh. My little guy, I hope that you are sharing that happiness and excitement and smile to make Heaven a happier place. I am so envious of the angels that get to spend each moment with you. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.
I hope you can hear us talking to you. Praying to you and asking you to carry us another day. Luke misses you – he moved your binky over to where your bears are. I asked him to leave it on the table where it was so you would know, but he insisted that you love those bears and you would want it there with them. When you see us know that our tears are because we can’t see you, feel you, kiss you, play with you. Everything we do, we wish you were with us.
People ask if it is getting easier. No. It will never get easier. I will forever want you here by our side. We will forever love you with the deepest love there is. I long to close my eyes and feel your presence. I will continue to pray that you send us signs, they really help us take another step forward, especially when we are having a bad day. I hope the kisses that we send to Heaven everyday are reaching you. They are filled with love and unconditional longing for you to be here, at home.
Sweet Toby, we love you.
I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on Heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all,
I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars
Stars, Grace Potter & The Nocturnals