When you have a child in Heaven you spend the night before Easter doing activities for him and talking all about him with his siblings. ♥️
Easter has by far been the most gentle holiday for my heart since Toby died. The first Easter without him Lucas had the flu and I sat on the floor with him most of the night. I watched the sun come up through the window that his tree is directly in front of and as I sat there crying, missing him, my heart was consumed with this warm feeling, almost being warmed by the sun, with love.
All I could think is “He gets to stand on the streets of Heaven as they welcome Jesus home.”
What beauty there must be. What joy they must be surrounded with. What love they must feel. Every angel. Every baby. Every person.
This is the third Easter without Toby here with us. Every day this last week I’ve been given a reminder of his presence with me. Every day.
- There were pennies on my office floor the other morning.
- There was a feather on the piano one evening when I came home.
- I was looking for a bunny for Zeke’s basket, but all I could find was a chick and a Fox.
Once a day, either on my way to work or when I got in the car to come home, the same song was on – Josh Baldwin’s “Stand in Your Love.”
The first time I heard this song I was having a horrible day and my thoughts were wrapped in continual moments from the last few days that Toby was here with us. Nonstop. It wouldn’t stop. I was sitting at a stop light crying, staring at the sun, lost in my thoughts, and that song came on the radio. Not only did my mind quiet, but when the chorus played the first time, I could hear God talking to me. Telling me to take my fear and hand it to him. Put it right in his hands and let him walk with it.
“My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in your love.”
That song, that verse. It gives me power. It gives me strength to feel the pain, from the death of my son, whenever I want. And then hand it over. So whatever fear, anger, sorrow is in my heart in that moment, if I hand it to God, it makes the weight, in my broken heart, on my shoulders, a little lighter in that moment. Sometimes it’s a 10 minute break, some times an hour, some times more.
On the journey of a grieving mother, you will take any moment when you can feel a little less consumed by heartbreak and sorrow.
You will take every moment you can when you can hear God talking to your heart saying: “Give it to Me. Place it in my hands and take another step. I have him in My Arms. He will be here until it is Your time to come Home.”
Take a moment this weekend to look and listen for God. He speaks to us daily. We just have to step outside of the daily race and listen for Him.
Wishing you all a gentle and joyful Easter holiday.
If you have not ever heard Josh Baldwin’s “Stand In Your Love,” give it a listen here: